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Variables - Geek Dating Advice

Let me talk about geek dating. I think that almost everything I’ve read about ‘finding a geek girl’ is bullshit at best, insulting at worst. In fact, most of the advice I’ve seen either paints the guy or the girl in the equation as a total loser, trying to hook up with someone they don’t deserve to be around. Most also fall on a few common misconceptions about what a relationship is.

I’ve dated a number of geeks. I’ve had successful and fulfilling relationships with a number of them. While I consider myself very friendly to women’s issues, I like sex. Understand that. I have no problems with a good one-night stand so long as both parties understand going in (or at least I didn’t have problems with them. Now I’m in a happily committed relationship,) but initiating a one-night stand is fundamentally different than dating.

So let’s debunk a few myths:

Myth: Pickup lines work.

Almost every woman has heard their fair share of pickup lines. This article suggests using a ‘geek-friendly’ pickup line, “No way a hot girl like you has such mad skillz.” Total bullshit.

A good pickup line can move you towards a one-night stand. But it communicates to the female that you’re interested in moving quickly into physical intimacy. Also, that’s not a good pickup line. So you’re burned on both counts.

Myth: They want a guy that’s direct.

That’s a partial myth. They don’t like “The Nice Guy™.” If you even remotely think that you can’t get a date because you’re a Nice Guy, immediately go read this post by the hypertalented DivaLion. If you don’t get it, well… I’ll do an article on that later if you’re interested in solving your problems.

Don’t beat around the bush, but don’t be pushy. Make it clear that you’re not just trying to be friends. Often times, geeky types on both sides of the gender fence are more than a little insecure. They have to be comfortable with a person before pursuing a relationship. Taking it slow is not being old-fashioned.

Now, actual advice.

Pay attention to body language.

Women don’t really ‘play hard to get.’ At least, most of them don’t. If they’re interested, they won’t lie to you. The only time you’re going to get an incomplete answer from your average geek is if you make her uncomfortable. If you’re making her uncomfortable, you need to change what you’re doing or you need to back away.

So how do you know? Body language. If she’s faced towards you when you talk, in an open, comfortable position, she’s probably comfortable. If she’s not fully facing you or making eye contact, she’s probably uncomfortable. If she’s holding her hands or crossing her arms, she’s probably uncomfortable. That means lighten up or, if you don’t want to lighten up to her comfort zone, you need to leave her alone.

Be genuine and honest.

I’ve initiated a one-night stand with, “I’m very attracted to you. While I just recently got out of a relationship and am not really in a place where I can commit to anything, I’d like to spend some time connecting with you tonight. I’m going to lay it out on the table, though: If it works out, I have all intention of trying to spend the night with you. If you’re not cool with that, that’s fine. But I want to be up-front. Can I buy you a drink?” It worked like a charm. That’s not a way to start a dating relationship.

Be yourself. The one thing you’ll see a lot in ‘geek dating’ advice is a sentiment that you have to behave differently if you want to hook up with someone. That’s complete and utter bullshit. Behave in such a way that you feel comfortable. If you don’t feel like you’re being yourself, and that if you behave like yourself that it won’t work out, that’s not a dating relationship you want to be in. The whole point of dating a geek is to be with someone you can relate to. If you have to be someone you’re not, you’ve abandoned the whole point.

Geeks are not a homogenous people.

You like Star Trek, she likes Star Trek. That’s awesome, right? Clearly, you’re a match made in heaven.

Piss off.

That’s absolutely untrue. A woman might like Dungeons and Dragons. That doesn’t mean that just because you like D&D, that she’ll get along with you. First off, people like things for different reasons. She might like improvisation and drama. You might like killing goblins. While they’re not mutually exclusive, you have different interests in the same thing. That doesn’t mean you can’t get along, but it’s not a foundation for a relationship.

On the other side of things, you might like the same thing for the exact same reasons. You meet her at a Firefly convention? Rock on. That doesn’t mean you’ll get along because you’re both browncoats. Have you ever shared a hobby with a guy you think is a total asshole? That doesn’t change just because you’re sexually attracted to a person. You might be her asshole. She might be yours. That’s fine! Just recognize that it’s a possibility, and that you need more than a single, tenuous hobby in common to constitute a relationship.

Don’t change who you are, but make changes for her.

I mentioned this before. You can’t be happy in a relationship where you have to change who you are. However, you’d be surprised to realize how many of the little things you do and say are actually not actually who you are. You can learn behaviors. If you put effort into learning them for her, a good woman will recognize and appreciate it.

Stay clean. You might not like cologne. However, if she says she likes something, wear it. You’re not doing it for you. Learn to cook. Ramen is awesome, but diversify (if you geek bachelors are interested, comment and I’ll give you an article full of badass ramen recipes THAT SHE WILL LOVE in a later week.) You’d be surprised how simple (and cheap!) most cooking is. Learn a simple chicken primavera. Do a Ziti. Let her know that you learned specifically for providing her a romantic little dinner.

Don’t put all your eggs in her basket.

The last thing you want to do is focus on one woman, hone in on her, and devote every little bit of energy towards wooing her. You’ll become the Nice Guy I mentioned earlier. She can’t think you’re desperate. If you ARE desperate, you need to reassess your priorities. You are not defined by a relationship. She will know that you think this, and it’ll make her uncomfortable.

Date. Talk with a number of women. Diversify. Don’t lie to her about it. When she gets to a point where she wants to date exclusively, she’ll communicate it. At that point, you can put your proverbial eggs in her basket. Trust me, she’ll value that she’s your pick out of a handful, as opposed to the object of an obsession. Nobody likes obsession. It’s creepy, it’s sad and it puts undue responsibility on the part of the obsessed.

Understand that you are not king shit. She doesn’t owe you anything.

This is important. You’ve told her you like her. You’ve followed every rule and she tells you, “I’m not interested.” Guess what? She’s not. If you try and it doesn’t work, you can’t just try every other tactic and hope one works. All you’re going to do is look like a creep and build a bad reputation. Geeks talk to geeks. If you want to be the creep that pushed Shelly too hard, she’s going to tell Dana. She’s going to tell Karen. You’re going to be blacklisted. She might think she's too attractive, smart or cool for you. If she thinks that, repeat after me: You do not want to be with her. Move on. Don't linger.

Not only that, you are sexually harassing her. Women are not a prize. They are not Xbox achievements. Some women will never be attracted to you, and that’s not a fault of hers. It’s how she’s wired. Making her feel guilty about it doesn’t get her to change her mind. It just makes you an asshole.

I hope this helps. If you have questions, toss them in the comments. I’d love to help you out. If you want me to expound on something, let me know.